Red Flags, Yellow Flags, Green Flags, Oh My!

Hi, I’m Amanda. Welcome to my blog, where I share online dating advice, tips, tricks, and strategies, all based on my professional training and personal experience.

Grab my free checklist Red Flags Revealed, so that you can screen matches with confidence and clarity.

I think it’s a safe assumption to say that most women are aware that red flags exist in dating.

Anyone who has done online dating has likely experienced a few of these. Some of my “favorites” from my dating experiences are:

• Being asked within the first two minutes of a conversation when the last time I had sex was.

• The demand that I go to the person’s house for the first date due to his agoraphobia. (No, I definitely did not go.)

• Showing up for a date to find a person who looked completely different from their photos.

• The guy making comments about another woman’s butt WHILE I WAS ON A DATE WITH HIM.

Some red flags are obvious, like the ones above.

But unfortunately there’s a lot of misinformation out there about what a red flag actually is, which can lead to mistaking red flags for yellow flags and even green flags.

A true red flag is a behavior that is problematic no matter what the reason or intention is behind it. There is no story or narrative that can make the behavior okay. For example, I had some empathy for the guy with agoraphobia, but there was no scenario that made it okay for him to demand that I come to his house and to completely ignore my safety concerns.

A yellow flag is more ambiguous. Yellow flags are behaviors that may or may not be problematic depending on the reason or intention behind them. They’re indicators that you need to dig further and learn more about the person to find out if the behavior is actually a red flag or no flag at all.

A green flag is essentially the opposite of a red flag. It’s a clear sign that the person is showing up to the relationship in a healthy way. One green flag that I appreciated when dating is when the person gave me their last name before a first date so that I could look them up online. This demonstrated thoughtfulness about my feelings of safety and security and wanting me to feel comfortable on the date.

So why is it so hard to distinguish the different types of flags from one another?

It seems like it should be obvious, but it’s often not.

First, our brains hate ambiguity and uncertainty, so we’re awful at sitting in this mental space. Instead, our brains create certainty, even if there isn’t any, meaning that instead of accurately identifying yellow flags, we often incorrectly see red or green flags.

For example, let’s say you come across a profile of someone who has been divorced twice. This is a yellow flag, because it honestly doesn’t tell you much about the person.

But if you’re a cynic, you might think, “That person is damaged and flawed. I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole.” Your brain determined that this piece of information was a red flag, based on the narrative you created around it. Because of this, you likely swiped left.

And if you’re an empath, you might think, “We all have our flaws. I’m sure he’s learned from his experiences.” Your brain determined that this was a green flag, again based on a narrative, and you may have swiped right.

Both are problematic, because either way, you created a narrative around that person that may or may not be true, rather than identifying the yellow flag for what it is. This prevents you from gathering more information about the person to determine whether the yellow flag is actually problematic or not.

Second, it’s extremely easy to rationalize away red flags once you’re emotionally invested in someone. Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Yeah, I know that wasn’t great, but he’s so good to me in other ways.”

That’s rationalization.

I’ve definitely done it. I’ve had friends gently and kindly say, “Uhhh, Amanda. What are you doing?”

In hindsight, I could recognize that I would have never tolerated the person’s behavior if I hadn’t already been emotionally invested.

Third, the internet is full of horrible advice these days. Many articles on red flags are actually talking about yellow flags, with the writers falling prey to the same traps and creating false narratives about the yellow flags.

There’s great advice out there as well, but if you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s incredibly difficult to distinguish between the good and bad advice.

Despite how difficult it is, It’s still important to figure out how to distinguish red flags, from yellow flags, from green flags, because it’s a huge tool in your online dating tool kit.

When these flags get confused with one another, one of two things usually happens:

• You screen people out prematurely, missing out on great potential connections.

• You rationalize away poor behavior and end up in annoying connections at best, and toxic relationships at worst.

In contrast, when you can distinguish flags for what they are, you’re much more likely to have an empowering dating experience.

First, you’ll feel more confident knowing when to walk away, trusting whether a behavior is truly a red flag or not. This cuts down on the mental agony of self-doubt, wondering whether you’re making the right decision or not.

Second, you’re the one steering the car in your dating experience, knowing what questions to ask and what you need to learn in order to determine whether someone is a fit for you. This cuts down on superficial, boring conversations and helps to create a more meaningful dating experience.

Finally, you’re more likely to end up with better matches. You cut down the time spent in connections that aren’t a fit for you so that you can invest in the people that truly light you up.

So how do you get better at identifying red, yellow, and green flags?

Grab Red Flags Revealed, my free red flags guide that identifies the top fifteen red flags in online dating.

This guide will help you to build the confidence and clarity that you need to better identify red flags.

(And once you’ve done that, you might just find a bonus on yellow flags!)