Don’t Make Your Dating Profile About Your Matches
Hi, I’m Amanda. Welcome to my blog, where I share online dating advice, tips, tricks, and strategies, all based on my professional training and personal experience.
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Writing an online dating profile can feel like a mess of confusion.
There are prompts to pick, photos to choose, and word limits to follow. There’s also the overarching question of where to even start when it comes to talking about yourself.
There’s honestly a lot of flexibility when it comes to writing your profile and making it your own:
You can write a short versus long profile.
You can choose an app that feels the easiest for creating your profile.
You can cherry pick your prompts.
You can inject your personality in ways that feel good to you.
At the same time, there are ways in which you can legitimately go wrong when creating your profile, and one of those is making your dating profile about your matches rather than about you.
I’m sure you’ve encountered this before when swiping: a dating profile where all the person writes about is what they do and don’t want in a partner:
“Must be fun-loving and adventurous.”
“Must believe in God and family.”
“Must love travel.”
“Can’t be high maintenance.”
“Can’t have any debt”
(I had a video date with the “can’t have any debt” guy. Send me an email and ask me how it went - I promise it’s a fun story!)
If you’re like me, this was usually a turn off when I saw this.
One, it felt like someone had a checklist that I was being compared to, which felt cold and transactional. And second, it didn’t tell me a whole lot about the person.
Yet even when you don’t love when other people do this, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing this yourself, making your profile about what you want in other people, rather than about you.
First, it can feel less vulnerable. If you make your profile about the other person, you don’t have to share information about yourself that you might not feel secure in.
Second, it can feel a lot easier to name your deal breakers in someone else than to get in touch with yourself and communicate who you are to other people.
And third, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that this is going to help you repel the people you don’t want to be with, when it’s actually likely hurting you.
But even though this might feel easier and less scary, It’s REALLY important to make your dating profile about YOU if you want good quality matches.
Here’s why:
When you make your dating profile about your matches, it’s likely to be perceived by others as being armored up. It’s kind of like having a giant boulder in the road with a sign that says, “Thou shalt not pass.”
You’re coming in hot, which can lead people to feel attacked, criticized, and unacceptable for who they are, none of which contributes to an easy start for a connection.
And while you may think you’re only going to repel the people who don’t fit your list of criteria, you’re also likely to repel people who are actually a fit for you, because no one loves feeling like they’re no more than a set of criteria in a spreadsheet.
This also doesn’t give people a chance to get to know you.
For example, let’s say you put “must be fun-loving and adventurous” in your profile.
This actually tells me nothing about you. Maybe it means that you’re adventurous and want an adrenaline-seeking partner. Or maybe it means that you’re someone who is comfortable with routines and wants a partner who will pull you out of your comfort zone.
Talking about what you want in the other person tells me nothing about you.
In contrast, when you make your dating profile about you, it creates a much more approachable start to a connection.
Rather than a “do not pass” sign, it’s kind of like being given a guide book at the intersection of a hike. Do you want to take the path that crosses through the mountains, or would you prefer the river view? Okay, kind of a weird metaphor, but hopefully you get the point.
By doing this, you give people the opportunity to decide for themselves whether you might be a fit for them or not, in a way that feels neutral rather than attacking.
It’s also much easier for someone to get to know you as a person when you open up and share about yourself.
Another example:
Let’s say I put in my dating profile “Must not be extroverted.”
That could mean that I’m an introvert who wants to be with another introvert. Or it could be that I’m an extrovert and want someone who will balance me out.
That’s very different from saying, “I describe myself as a social introvert. I love socializing, but it’s draining for me and I need a lot of time to recharge.”
In writing that, the other person knows very clearly who I am, and then they get to decide for themselves whether that’s something that’s a good fit for them.
FYI - I did put that in my profile, and I now have a partner who is right in the middle of the introversion / extroversion spectrum. He can get me out of the house when I’ve been cooped up for too long, but he also respects my need for down time.
So when you go to write your online dating profile, make sure that you’re writing about you and not your matches.
To start, use “I / me / my” statements:
“I really like to travel.”
“I have a special needs dog.”
“My relationships with my immediate family are really important to me.”
“I love outdoor activities.”
“Home projects are fun for me.”
Think about it as sharing your story with someone or writing an author bio on a book cover.
It’s moving away from using your matches as a guiding factor in writing your profile and using yourself as the focal point.
And if you’re still really struggling to write your profile, it can sometimes be helpful to get another set of eyes on it.
That’s why I offer a full 20-minute video review of your online dating profile, photos and all.
I’ll first tell you exactly how potential matches may be interpreting your profile so that you have clarity on how your profile is being perceived.
I’ll then provide all of the feedback that you need to create a profile that will streamline your swiping experience and help you to find matches who are a fantastic fit for you.
Click here to reserve your spot!
