The ideal scenario after a first date? Feeling excited, giddy, and eagerly anticipating a second date. Worst case scenario? Well, there are probably a lot of different versions of that, all of which leave you feeling hopeless, demoralized, and never wanting to see that person again.

There’s a gray area between those two though, which is feeling ambivalent after a first date. Ambivalence means having mixed feelings. Your date wasn’t bad, but you’re also not walking away feeling like you just met your soulmate. It leaves you feeling unsure whether you want to go out with the person again. It’s an unpleasant limbo of trying to make a decision without your feelings pointing in one clear direction or the other.

Often, the response to ambivalence is to say yes to a second date. To give the person another chance, and to see if feelings (or more certainty) develop as you get to know the person better. It’s an easy pattern to fall into when you can’t pinpoint why you’re feeling ambivalent about the person, or if there’s nothing clearly problematic to point to. I did this at least once in grad school, going out on five dates with someone when I just wasn’t feeling it, because I couldn’t name what was wrong or why I was feeling that way. The guy was attractive, kind, and successful; there was nothing inherently wrong with him. It felt a lot harder to walk away from this person, versus say the one who looked very different from his profile pic, or the one who had zero social skills.

The decision to stick around when feeling ambivalent often stems from a scarcity mindset: the belief that there just aren’t enough “good” people out there to go around for all of us. But just for a second, imagine a scenario where you believed that there were plenty of men out there. That it was absolutely possible to have what you’re looking for. Would you still be saying yes to a second date when feeling ambivalent? I know that I wouldn’t have. If I knew then what I knew now about what relationships can actually look like, I would have walked away at the end of that first date with zero hesitations. The decision to say yes stems from believing that you won’t be able to find what you’re looking for.

Saying yes to second dates (or even third, fourth, or fifth dates in my case) when you’re experiencing mediocrity and ambivalence is anything but playful and empowering. It creates more negative associations with online dating, all of which amplify the voice in your head screaming, “Online dating sucks!” You might not be going on the worst dates of all time, but a string of mediocre dates isn’t really a whole lot better.

This decision can also create negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. You might find yourself thinking, “Well maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not good enough to have the sparks and butterflies. Maybe I have to settle for mediocrity because that’s all that I’m going to be able to get or find.” Frankly, that’s BS. These are harsh, false beliefs about yourself that hold you back from finding a match for the amazing person that you are.

It can also lead to hopelessness and rationalization, such as, “Well, sparks and butterflies only exist in romantic comedies; that’s not real life.” Yes, romantic comedies are chock full of false information about love and relationships, but they actually get the sparks and butterflies right. I’m three and a half years into my relationship with my partner, and I still glance over at him at times and feel the butterflies fluttering around. You can absolutely feel those feelings, and you absolutely deserve to have those experiences. Staying in ambivalence robs you of this.

So what’s the alternative to staying in ambivalence? It’s only saying yes to a second date when your gut is saying “hell yes”. In Greg McKeown’s book “Essentialism”, he recommends this for all areas of life, saying yes to requests only when your gut is saying “hell yes”. This approach is an amazing tool for decision-making in online dating as well.

When you only say yes to second dates when your gut is saying hell yes, you’re no longer operating from a scarcity mindset. You’re operating from a place of abundance, trusting that you can find what you’re looking for. There’s self-love, self-kindness, and groundedness in being able to say, “I deserve to have the butterflies”, to pursue those connections that excite you and to walk away from those that don’t. You build self-trust when you use your feelings to guide your decision making and learn that it actually works, that your dating journey gets a whole lot better.

The tricky part is that doing this requires being honest with yourself about what your feelings truly are. It means tuning into your gut reactions at a deeper level. No logic, no analysis, no rationalization. No comments of, “Well, it wasn’t that bad. He was a really nice guy.” None of that. Throw it out the window. If you’re struggling with this, try to give your date (the experience, not the person) a letter grade using only your gut reaction. Is it at least an A, or does it fall short of that? There are areas of life where aiming for good enough is a fantastic thing (e.g., cleaning your bathroom, the cookies you’re baking for a potluck, etc.). Your dating life isn’t one of them.

You also have to be willing to make your decisions based on your feelings and gut reactions. It’s so ingrained in us as women to ignore our feelings. You’re tired? Well too bad, there’s a house to take care of. You’re mad at your boss? Be careful, you don’t want to come across as the angry woman. There are messages that come at us left and right to ignore our feelings and push through anyway, which makes it really challenging to say, “You know what? No. I’m not going to just push through. I’m going to LISTEN to what my feelings are telling me.”

You might be thinking, “But Amanda, what if I write someone off too early??” And yet, when was the last time that you felt ambivalent after a first date and later felt head over heels in love? Be honest with yourself. Has that ever happened? Nine times out of ten, the answer to this question is never. Your gut is telling you what’s what; it’s just really hard to actually listen to it. If the answer is yes, there are always exceptions to the rule, and you may be a person who needs time to warm up to others. In this case, you can absolutely listen to that and pay attention to that. The same principles apply though: maybe you just aim for B+ or higher, rather than the A’s only.

I’m also sure I have some analytical folks reading this, wondering how I dare suggest throwing the wonderful tool of analysis out the window. However, I’m analytical myself. Analysis and logic are wonderful tools in the toolbox that absolutely have a place in online dating. They go awry though when they’re used as the only tools. It’s kind of like only having a hammer in your toolbox. That’s going to work great if you have to put a nail in the wall. It’s going to be an uphill battle if you have a leaky pipe and what you really need is a wrench. Listening to your feelings and trusting your gut is another tool in the toolbox, one that is often missing or infrequently used by women. It’s not about giving up the analysis, but instead adding in a different tool that’s likely to be more helpful when dealing with feelings of ambivalence.

So in summary, trust yourself when you’re making a decision about a second date. Lean into your feelings. Listen to them. Trust them. They will help you to make the best decisions for yourself and lead to a better dating experience.

*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.