Mindful Matching: Overcoming Biased Assumptions in Online Dating Profiles
Hi, I’m Amanda. Welcome to my blog, where I share online dating advice, tips, tricks, and strategies, all based on my professional training and personal experience.
I remember talking with a friend once about her online dating experience, and she mentioned swiping left on someone because they stated in their profile that they liked country music. I was confused, and asked her why that was a dealbreaker for her, to which she replied, “If he likes country music, there’s no way that he’s not conservative or Republican.”
Our brains like associations. They operate based on associations. If you’re out on a hike, and you suddenly see an S-shape ahead, you’re likely to have a startle response before your brain even fully registers that there’s a snake in front of you.
Grab my free Online Dating Red Flags Checklist, so that you know what to look for in matches, conversations, and dates.
Or, have you ever lived in an area that you didn’t like and then returned to? Did you notice a change in your mood? Often people will notice that they suddenly feel sad, upset, or anxious. Their brains have labeled that area as “bad”, creating all sorts of negative emotions.
These associations serve us incredibly well in so many ways. They help us to get through life in a way that doesn’t require constant attention to every single detail of our lives.
On the more light-hearted side, they make decision making easier. If we’re clothes shopping, our eyes are going to be immediately drawn to things that we already know that we like, rather than having to examine every clothing item in detail, saving us a lot of time and energy. On the more serious side, we would often put ourselves in dangerous situations without associations; if our brains didn’t register S-shapes as bad, we might suddenly find ourselves bitten by a snake.
However, this process isn’t faultless and can lead to errors in our thinking. Associations can cause biases and discrimination, leading us to judge others in ways that aren’t actually reflective of reality. Our brains make faulty leaps in thought, forming interpretations and assumptions that aren’t actually based in truth.
In online dating, associations also have both benefits and detriments. On the positive side, they make swiping easier and faster, and they cut out a lot of extra thought and decision-making, saving us time and energy for the things that are important to us. If your online dating experience is going well, then that’s likely a sign that those associations are working well for you.
On the negative side, these associations can go awry, leading you to rule out people prematurely. If you literally swipe left on every single match, end every connection that comes your way, and never find anyone that seems “good enough”, then you may need to look at whether your brain is forming faulty associations and making interpretations that aren’t grounded in reality.
Here’s What Happens:
When these faulty associations occur, you’re likely to end potential connections with people who may actually be a good fit for you. Here are a few examples, in which Option A is the assumption that is going unchecked, and B is the potential alternative that may go missed or unnoticed.
You swiped left on someone because they like country music, assuming that this means that they are conservative / Republican.
Option A: They are conservative / Republican.
Option B: They grew up with parents who listened to country music regularly, which created positive associations for them with country music. The person is actually very liberal, and their music taste has nothing to do with their political beliefs.
You swipe left on someone because they’re divorced, assuming that they must be damaged or flawed in some way.
Option A: The person hasn’t worked through the issues that led to their divorce and is likely to repeat the cycle.
Option B: The person has gone to counseling, has worked through and understands the things that led to their divorce, has taken personal responsibility for themselves, and may actually be in a better position to be in a relationship than someone who hasn’t gone through this process.
You swiped left on someone because they like a book that you hated, assuming that this means that they’re unintelligent.
Option A: Their preferences are reflective of their intelligence.
Option B: People read for different reasons, and they appreciated something about the book that you didn’t, based on their unique interests, history, and reason for reading that particular book.
Our thoughts very much influence our feelings and behaviors, so you can see here how our assumptions about someone might impact our online dating decisions.
To work on this, you first have to be aware that you’re doing this in the first place. If you’re finding yourself always swiping left or ending connections, then take some time to journal or reflect on your experiences. Try to ask yourself whether you might be forming false conclusions, and be both honest and kind with yourself in the answers to these questions.
If you find that you are doing this, practice coming up with alternative possibilities for the assumption that you have. Can you list 2-3 other possible explanations for why someone put something in their profile? The goal isn’t to fall into the same trap of assuming that the other possibilities are true. It’s to recognize that we ARE making assumptions, and that without more data, we can’t know for sure which of our possible explanations are true, if any of them at all.
Finally, if this person would be a good fit minus this one thing, then start a conversation and ask them about the things that you’re wondering about. Do some research and collect data. Just make sure to do this in a curious and open-minded way, rather than a judgmental one. For example:
If you’re worried that country music = conservative, ask the person about their political beliefs.
Say: “My political beliefs are really important to me, and it’s important to me to be with someone who shares these. How do you identify politically?”
Don’t Say: “I’m not going to date anyone who identifies as conservative, so tell me now if that’s you so that I don’t waste my time.”
If you ask someone about the circumstances of their divorce, do they immediately start name calling their exes, or do they acknowledge that it was a complex situation, and they both had roles to play?
Say: “I saw that you’re divorced. Do you mind sharing what happened in that relationship?”
Don’t Say: “Do you think that you have baggage from your divorce?”
If they liked a book you didn’t, express curiosity in their liking of it, given that you didn’t. What did they see in it that you didn’t?
Say, “So I have to say, I didn’t love the book that you said that you liked. What did you find interesting about it?”
Don’t Say: “I can’t believe you liked that book. It seemed so dumb. What in the world made you like it?”
The hope with these questions is that they give you more FACTUAL information to go on, rather than assumptions and interpretations. If the divorced person does indeed start name calling their past exes, then by all means, walk away at that point. You’re no longer making assumptions; you have clear evidence that this person is not only willing to name call other people, but also hasn’t taken any personal responsibility for their past decisions.
Our brains are wonderful things that help us in so many ways. They also aren’t faultless. If things aren’t going how you would like in your dating experience, use that as an opportunity to do some self-reflection and grow through the process. It will not only improve your dating experience; it will also put you in a better position to have the healthy connections that you want and deserve.
*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.
