You just came home from a date that you were pleasantly surprised by. He looked like his photos, conversation was easy, and the chemistry was there. You’ve got the butterflies feeling and are already looking forward to a second date.

Then suddenly there’s a pit in your stomach. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if it’s all in your head? What if you made it up that the date went well, and he actually thought it went horribly? Suddenly you find yourself in an anxiety-filled spiral, and instead of getting to ride the high of a date gone well, you now feel terrible, can’t sleep, and are once again wondering if you’re going to end up alone forever. You’re also replaying your date over and over again in your mind, trying to figure out if you did or said anything that could have potentially turned the other person off.

The next day, you wake up, convinced that you’ve blown it and will never see this person again, just to find a text on your phone from them, telling you what a great time they had.

All of that turmoil was for nothing.

Post-date fears and rumination are very much real and a common experience for many women, and they can quickly zap any fun and enjoyment out of the dating experience, which is particularly sad when you’re having GOOD dates. However this rumination doesn’t have to be an inherent part of your post-date experience.

It’s definitely possible to fully enjoy dates that go well, but it requires being aware of, and actively working on, your mindset.

When rumination goes unchecked, a number of things can happen. First, it takes your focus away from being your authentic self and whether you were acting in a way that was genuine to you, and instead, it places it on what you think you did or said “wrong”. This gives your date a lot of power, because their reactions now determine how you feel about what you did or said on the date. And yet their reactions likely had everything to do with them and very little to do with you. Basing your self-worth on whether somebody else gives their stamp of approval feels terrible and only leads to further rumination.

Second, self-criticism can run amok in this mental space. Once self-criticism gets started, it’s like a snowball effect that keeps on building unless there are checks in place. It can spiral from thinking that you said something stupid, to no one is ever going to love you, to you’ll be alone forever. It’s a runaway train, with you as the only passenger. And because we’re so accustomed to our own thoughts, we often don’t realize just how harsh we’re being to ourselves, making it all the easier for these thoughts to continue.

Third, scarcity mindset can take over. Rumination has a zooming in effect that makes it hard to see the larger picture. It feels as if the person that we went out with is the one and only person left on the planet, and that if it doesn’t work out, there’s going to be no one left for us to be with. Scarcity mindset has its own self-critical bent, because we would likely never tell a friend that their one date that didn’t work out was their only hope for love, and yet that’s exactly what we tell ourselves.

In contrast, if you work on your mindset, your focus shifts to whether you were authentic and genuine on your date. Your evaluation of how things went has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with whether you acted in alignment with yourself. Let’s say your date seemed to be a bit put off by a sarcastic comment that you made. Instead of spiraling about whether he hates you now, you get to ask yourself whether sarcasm is genuine to you. If it is, then you know that if he’s turned off by sarcasm, then he isn’t a good fit for you anyway. And if sarcasm isn’t genuine to you, then maybe it’s an opportunity to explore what exactly about this date led you to feel like you had to be someone you’re not.

When your focus shifts to whether you were authentic to yourself, rather than trying to guess what the other person was thinking and feeling, it also cuts down on mental chatter and self-criticism. There’s a groundedness in knowing that all you can do is be yourself and seek out people who love you for this. There’s also greater trust in treating dating as an ongoing learning process, rather than an opportunity to berate yourself at every step.

Lastly, working on your mindset helps you to zoom out and see the larger picture. Your one date doesn’t feel like the end all be all anymore, and there’s greater awareness and recognition that this is likely one date of many, that there are many other people out there to potentially meet. It’s easier to see each date as a point along the journey, rather than the final destination.

Working on your mindset is incredibly helpful, but it’s also very challenging.

The first step is being aware of it in the first place. Like I mentioned before, we become so accustomed to our own thoughts that we often don’t recognize how harsh we’re being to ourselves. To catch this, pause and think about whether you would say to a friend what you’re saying to yourself. If your thoughts are too harsh for a loved one, then they’re too harsh for you. For example, if a friend wasn’t feeling great after a date, you probably wouldn’t bombard them with questions in a frenzied tone, asking things like, “Well what if they didn’t respond well to that comment you made? What if they didn’t like that you were assertive? I bet they thought that it was stupid when you made that joke.” That would be cruel, right? Taking a step back from our thoughts can put into perspective just how brutal they actually are.

If you’re noticing that your thoughts are on the harsher side, think about what you WOULD say to a friend. It might take the form of validation: “I get how you’re feeling, dating is really hard.” Or it might be reassurance: “You’re awesome. If he can’t appreciate you for who you are, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway.” Then try saying to yourself what you would say to someone else. It will likely feel weird and uncomfortable, but anything new feels weird and uncomfortable until you get used to it.

Finally, shift your focus from whether the person liked you, to how you felt around them. Did they make you feel comfortable? Did they put you at ease? Did you feel good about the conversation and how things went? And most importantly, were you able to be yourself? This mindset shift isn’t an easy one, but it’s one of the biggest ones that you can make. It not only helps to cut down on the post-date analysis, but also helps you to feel more grounded in yourself.

*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.