One of the perks of apps and online dating is that we get to meet people that we might never have met otherwise. My partner and I have mused numerous times about whether we ever would come across each other in person if it hadn’t been for Bumble. Our answer? Probably not. (Funny enough, we were actually at a college bowl game together in 2005 and had no idea. Even in the same state, city, and stadium, we still never met.)

Compared to the old days of dating, where you only had the chance of meeting people within your immediate city or town, online dating has provided opportunities to match, talk, and connect with others much more easily than before. It’s an amazing advantage, creating many more opportunities for connection, particularly if you live in a rural area where everyone knows each other and the pickings are slim.

When you hit it off with someone on a dating app, physical distance can feel like a trivial thing. Even someone across the country is just a plane flight away. In these post covid days where remote, flexible work and Zoom dates are a norm, why let something as small as physical distance get in the way of the connection of a lifetime?

This was the argument I made to myself awhile back when I met someone that I had fallen head over heels for. He had liked me on Bumble, and when I saw his profile, I was immediately intrigued and interested. He was 10 hours away, but I thought “What’s the harm in talking? If it doesn’t work out, he’s 10 hours away anyway.” So, we began talking. And then we had a phone date, which blew every other date I had had until then out of the water. And we had a Zoom date. And more phone dates. We just clicked. We talked about everything under the sun. We seemed eerily compatible. When we met up in person, it felt like fireworks. 10 hours felt totally worth the hassle for what I was feeling at the time.

I was on cloud nine, until a few weeks later, when he blindsided me, telling me that there was someone else in the picture. At the time, I was crushed and couldn’t figure out what I had missed. In hindsight, it was much more obvious there’s no way NOT to miss things with that much distance.

The problem with that much physical distance? There’s no way to truly get to know someone without regular in-person time together.

When you’re only having phone and Zoom dates, you’re typically on your best behavior. This isn’t necessarily intentional or manipulative, but when you don’t see someone in person regularly, there’s something that feels even more special about any time you do get to spend with them, even if that’s over phone or video. The downside of this is that you typically don’t get to see the person at their worst. You don’t get to see what they’re like when they walk in the door after a long and stressful day at work. Do they still hug and kiss you to say hi? Or do they go off to their room without even acknowledging you? Do they passive-aggressively let their stress carry over into your relationship? You don’t get that information when you’ve got a scheduled date at a specific time.

Second, you don’t get to see what the person is like in a full range of experiences. If you’re spending most of your time connecting over phone or video, you don’t get to see how they treat the wait staff at a restaurant on a first date. Or how they respond when they’re accidentally given the wrong meal. Or how they treat their friends and family. Or what their reaction is when a really attractive woman walks by the two of you. There is so much that can go missed when you don’t have in-person experiences.

Also, unless you’re dating the most highly self-aware, self-reflective, emotionally intelligent person on the planet, most of us aren’t great at actually being fully honest with ourselves, which then makes it difficult to be fully honest with other people. Someone can tell you all day long that they’re not a jealous person, truly believing themselves that they’re not a jealous person. Yet you can’t possibly know that for sure about them until you’re in a position in which they have the potential to become jealous. The guy that was 10 hours away? He told me that he valued open communication. I don’t think he was lying when he told me that. I think he really did hold that value. Yet when it came down to communicating with me, he would keep everything in until he couldn’t any longer, leaving me blindsided when he finally opened up.

On the flip side, when you see someone regularly, you get to see the full range of that person’s behavior. You get to see how they respond in both easy and difficult situations. It’s easy to make things work in a relationship when both people are calm, happy, regulated, and overall in a good mood. It’s much harder to communicate, respect each other, and still show love and caring when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, dysregulated. As not fun as it sounds, being able to experience the other person in their less than ideal state makes it much more likely that you can figure out early on whether that person is a fit for you.

You also get more of an inner look into that person’s personality and values when you can see them in a variety of settings and situations. My partner and I met during July 2020, so in a lot of ways, that was actually delayed for us. Thankfully, when we did get to have more experiences, it was mostly pleasant surprises, but there were things that we had to work through that we weren’t expecting. He got to see the toll that travel takes on me, and we’re still working on finding a balance in that area that works for both of us. I’m learning how much time and energy he’s willing to put into work, and we’re figuring out how to find a balance there as well. All of these things are important to learn about and work through in a relationship.

Lastly, you get to see whether the words and the actions of that person match. Again, this may not be manipulative or intentional, but it’s important to determine if the person is who they say they are. You only get to figure that out through time and experience. And we’re all guilty of having inconsistencies in our words and actions, myself included. I remember sharing early on with my partner that I’m really independent. And I definitely am in a lot of ways. So I wasn’t prepared when I really struggled leaving him after extended periods of time together. I felt weak. It felt needy. And yet it was the reality of how I felt.

So what’s the middle ground between expanding your possibility for connection without going too far?

I think two hours is the sweet spot. Particularly if you’re in a rural area, this typically allows room for at least one or two major cities, but it also still ensures the ability to meet in person on a fairly regular basis.

When my partner and I met, he was an hour and a half way. After taking a new job, he’s now two and a half hours away. During the past three and a half years of our relationship, we’ve spent almost every weekend together, barring ones where one of us was sick or something out of the ordinary came up. And when we do spend time together, I think it’s safe to say that both of us recognize what we learn from that time together that we don’t get during the week over phone or video. We’re incredibly fortunate that my job can be done remotely, which means that I can spend weeks at a time at his place, and he has summers off, which means he can spend weeks at a time at my place.

Long distance is definitely possible within reason, but the farther you physically get, the more you’re likely to experience diminishing returns in the relationship. So, limit your search radius to where you can easily get together with the other person most weekends, and make sure that you’re using that in-person time together to truly get to know one another.

*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.