Oh the dreaded photos. It’s bad enough having to write about yourself in an online dating profile, but to then have to put photos of yourself out there for every person on the apps to see? There are so many mental and emotional obstacles that photos of ourselves bring up that it can be enough for many women to say, “ screw this,” and begin fantasizing about life as a cat lady.

There’s the aspect of analysis paralysis: Which photos should you pick? How many photos are best to post in a dating profile? Is it okay to include photos with other people in them? Should you use filters? Should you include photos of your entire body?  It can be exhausting trying to answer these questions.  

There’s also the inherent negative self-talk that arises when looking at photos of ourselves.  The internal dialogue might look something this: 

• “I look terrible in this photo.”  

• “Ugh, why are my thighs so big?”

• “I hate the way my arms look.”  

• “I wish I was twenty pounds thinner.”

Sound harsh? It is, and yet that’s often how we talk to ourselves. We can be so mean to ourselves, yet we would never talk to a friend in that way.  If a friend were going through this, we’d say something like, “You look gorgeous in that photo!”  Or if we didn’t think the photo was flattering, we would say something much kinder like, “That photo doesn’t do you justice.”  It’s remarkable how kind we can be to others while being so cruel to ourselves. Online dating is one of those areas that tends to bring out the harsh inner critic who is ready to tear into you.

Lastly, there’s the fear of judgment.  We’re terrified that men are going to judge us, reject us, and be cruel to us in the same way that we are being cruel to ourselves.  We’re scared that we’re going to hear words like, “You’re fat”,  “You’re ugly”, “I would never want to go out with someone who looks like you.”  That’s what we’re anticipating and fearing will happen when we put photos of ourselves out there into the world, and that’s terrifying.   

Put this all together, and that’s a miserable experience when you combine overthinking, self-criticism, and fear of judgment, all wrapped into one. 

So what do we do to cope with all of this?  Enter filters. 

Filters are essentially used to get rid of what we perceive as flaws in ourselves, like blemishes, moles, acne, stained teeth, pale skin, body fat, etc.  We believe that if we do this, it will protect us from judgment and criticism, because we’re “getting rid of” the aspects of ourselves that are most likely to draw judgment and criticism from men.

We may also be very selective about the photos that we choose.  We might take photos just for this purpose and spend a lot of time and energy making sure that we look a particular way, in order to hide what we see as flaws in our appearance.  This might include only taking headshots, or only taking photos with make up on, or posing in certain angles for a more “flattering” look.

These strategies are ultimately used so that we feel more protected and less vulnerable when we put ourselves out there to the world. 

The problem is that this approach actually opens us up to MORE judgment and criticism, the exact thing that we’re trying to prevent in the first place.  

Here’s why:

Physical appearance is NOT the same as attractiveness.  

Appearance is your OBJECTIVE, physical features. If 100 different people looked at me, they would all likely agree that I have blond hair, blue eyes, and that I’m about 5’4. This is my physical appearance, consisting of objective measures of what I look like.  

Attractiveness is whether you like or are drawn to a person’s appearance, which is SUBJECTIVE.  Those same 100 people could look at me, and half of them might think that I’m beautiful, and the other half might say, “Eh, not my type.”  (I remember a time in grad school when within a month-long period, I had one person call me skinny, and another person call me stocky 🤷)

My physical appearance doesn’t determine whether someone is attracted to me or not, even though that is what society teaches us. Society teaches us that people will only be attracted to you if your physical appearance looks a certain way. However, the next time you’re around a group of people, notice the physical appearances of the coupled individuals.  Do they all look the exact same way? No, they don’t. People of all shapes, sizes, and appearances end up in relationships, because attractiveness is subjective. My past partners were different heights, weights, hair colors, body types, because I’m attracted to a range of physical appearances.  

At the same time, I’m not going to ignore the elephant in the room, which is that there ARE men out there who have bought into society’s ideas of beauty. There are men who believe that only women who are 5’11, 120 lbs, and blond are attractive. I’m not going to pretend like they don’t exist, because I’m sure we’ve all seen examples of this in our day to day lives. However, there are also men out there who have not fallen prey to beauty ideals. They do exist.  They are out there.  

When you’re choosing photos, you want to weed out the men who do have a narrow definition of beauty, and you want to pull in the men who have a wide definition of beauty.  But by trying to either hide or erase your perceived flaws in your photos, you’re actually more likely to draw in the men who hold a narrow definition of beauty, which is an incredibly painful process.

Here’s what this might look like: Let’s say you post filtered or selective photos of yourself in your profile, and you start getting matches. You’re excited, but you’re also concerned, because you know that the people who you’re talking with haven’t seen you in person yet, and you don’t know what they’re going to think when they see what you actually look like. So instead of just getting to be excited about your matches and potential dates, the build up to a first-date is now filled with dread and anxiety, because you have no idea if this person is going to be attracted to you for what you actually look like.  

The problem is that now there is a real possibility that someone might not be attracted to you.  Not because anything is wrong with your appearance, but because you might have matched with someone who is only attracted to the barbie doll look. Someone who is likely to judge and criticize a woman who doesn’t match these unrealistic standards. There is nothing more excruciating than having someone judge, criticize, or reject you for what you actually look like. It’s so incredibly painful, and I don’t want you to have to go through that.  

There is a way of preventing this, and that is by posting accurate and realistic photos of yourself, perceived flaws and all.  

By doing this, you will have fewer matches, but that’s a GOOD thing.  It’s quality or quantity here.  I want you to repel the men who hold unrealistic, idealistic beliefs about beauty, so that any judgment that is done by them is done in a simple swipe left that you don’t even have to know about.  

That way, when you do have people swipe right on you and message you, you can trust and feel reassured that these individuals know exactly what you look like and that they are genuinely attracted to you.  You now get to go into first dates knowing that there aren’t going to be any surprises for the other person, which means that their reactions to your appearance should not be shocking or surprising in any way.  It cuts out a huge chunk of anxiety and dread, and it also leads to much more positive experiences as well.  It’s such an amazing feeling to have someone see you for what you actually look like and say, “Wow, you’re gorgeous.”  To have someone look at you like they’re the luckiest guy in the world.  That feels amazing.  I want you to have that.

I’m a fan of including photos without makeup for this reason.  I didn’t do this the first time around in my online dating experiences, and then I was always a nervous wreck about what the person was going to think of me without makeup on, which felt awful.  So this past time around, I included photos of myself without makeup, and it just felt a lot better.  The first time my current partner saw me without makeup, he didn’t even notice, which was a little oblivious on his part, but also a thousand times preferable to the alternative.

Photos are also a chance for your personality to shine.  If you’re a hiker, then maybe include a photo of yourself out hiking.  If you like art and theater, take a selfie of yourself at a concert.  These are really great opportunities to not only show what you look like, but for others to see you in your element as well.  

One trap that can be easy to fall into here is that sometimes “good” photos don’t actually portray us accurately.  As an example of this, when you’re watching TV next time, try pressing the pause button in random places and then look at how the actors’ faces end up frozen.  It provides a great example of how a single, frozen moment in time does not actually always do a good job of portraying what a person actually looks like.  

We also all have that one photo that makes us look like a supermodel, and you might be tempted to post it, but you want to be honest about whether that particular photo actually looks like YOU.  If it doesn’t, it might actually be best to leave it out, even if it’s technically a good photo.

Men also don’t love when women use filters. If men get a sense that a woman has used filters, they will sometimes automatically swipe left, because no different than us, they don’t want to be surprised either.  Many of us have likely had the experience of showing up on a first date and the person looking nothing like their photos, and then we’re angry and disappointed that we wasted our time.  Men feel the same way.  Filters don’t help anyone.

Finally, use common sense when it comes to photos. Make sure that your photos aren’t blurry, or that your head isn’t cut off, so that people can get a sense of what you really look like. If you’re very far away in a photo because you wanted to post one of you hiking, that’s fine, but make sure you have other photos of you close up.  If that’s your only photo, people can’t get a sense of what you look like.  

All of this essentially boils down to the fact that you can cut out all of the questions around photos except for one:

Do my photos provide a realistic and accurate portrayal of what I look like?  

If yes, then fantastic.  If not, what needs to be different for you to do this?  And if you’re struggling with this, ask family and friends for help.  Make sure that you ask them to not choose the “best” photos of you, but to choose the most accurate photos of you.  Then allow yourself to relax, knowing that any individuals you match with are going to be genuinely attracted to you for exactly what you look like.

*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.