Dating With Vulnerability: Why It’s Worth The Risk
Hi, I’m Amanda. Welcome to my blog, where I share online dating advice, tips, tricks, and strategies, all based on my professional training and personal experience.
If you haven’t heard of Brene Brown at this point, go check her out. Actually, do it now. She has several Ted Talks, a Netflix special, a podcast, and numerous books to choose from, so pick one that feels like a good fit for you. I’ll wait.
Brene Brown is a pioneer in the field of vulnerability. According to her, vulnerability is having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome. Sound easy? It’s not. It’s incredibly difficult.
We often appreciate vulnerability in others. We feel warm and fuzzy when a friend feels comfortable enough to open up about their marital struggles, particularly when they weren’t sure how we were going to react. We feel validated when a co-worker shares that they’re also struggling with the micromanaging boss. We love it when our partner is the first to say I love you. Phew. The pressure is off of us to say it first. Vulnerability in others makes us feel cared for, appreciated, validated, supported, and un-alone in our experiences.
Grab my free Online Dating Red Flags Checklist, so that you know what to look for in matches, conversations, and dates.
And yet we HATE being vulnerable ourselves. Flip all of the above scenarios and imagine you being the one to open up. Imagine opening up to a friend about a date that you felt went embarrassingly poorly, having no idea if they’ll actually understand. Or sharing with a co-worker that you hate your boss, having no idea if they feel the same way. Or being the first to say I love you in a relationship. Most of us immediately feel our guards start to go up. We feel self-protective. We don’t want to risk getting hurt.
Vulnerability is particularly difficult in online dating, because it’s lurking around every single corner. There’s vulnerability in sending the first message and risking a rejection or mean message. There’s vulnerability in being the first person to suggest meeting up in person. There’s vulnerability in telling someone you like them. There’s vulnerability in telling someone you don’t want to go out with them again. There’s vulnerability in being your authentic self.
When we’re vulnerable, hurt and heartache is inevitable. Vulnerability in online dating means that you WILL experience rejection. Many times. There’s no way around it. I definitely experienced my fair share of heartache in online dating. I sent messages to people who never responded. I was ghosted. I was told after a first date that there wouldn’t be a second date. I was told that there was someone else in the picture. After a particularly brutal heartbreak in 2020, I posted the following quote by Brene Brown on my fridge:
“If you’re brave with your life, if you choose to live in the area, you’re going to get your ass kicked. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fail. You’re going to know heartbreak.”
So if vulnerability is so difficult and painful, and we hate it so much, why should we even be vulnerable? What’s the point of opening ourselves up to the possibility of such hurt and heartache?
The problem with not being vulnerable is that no risk means no reward. Without vulnerability, creativity and accomplishment go out the window. Belonging and connection disappear. Joyfulness is replaced with neutrality or apathy. Playfulness and empowerment are non-existent. Overwhelming, soul-crushing love is only a distant dream that will never actually occur. No vulnerability means no room to be your authentic self.
No risk means a mediocre, middle-of-the-road life. No risk means taking the safe route, and I don’t think you would be here reading this if you’re okay taking the safe route.
When we’re not vulnerable in dating, it can prevent us from even taking steps forward in the first place. We might hold off for months on creating a dating profile or picking out photos, even though we really want to find connection. We might swear off Bumble due to having to make the first move, even though it might be a better fit than Tinder. We might be internally fuming that someone still hasn’t asked us out after two months of chatting, and yet we adamantly refuse to ask them out ourselves.
Lack of vulnerability can also lead to dishonesty with ourselves. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I shouldn’t have to be the one to make the first move”? If so, I would ask you to take a curious, compassionate look at why you believe that. Is it truly important to you for your partner to be taking charge in the relationship? Or are you actually a feminist who believes in role quality, and you’re not reaching out because you feel terrified of rejection? It’s okay either way, but lack of vulnerability can steer us away from who we actually are, what we value, and what we’re looking for.
Avoiding vulnerability also means that we might present ourselves in certain ways that aren’t completely genuine. We tailor ourselves to what other people want, the equivalent of armoring up. It feels self-protective at the time, and yet it also prevents us from truly connecting with other people, creating feelings of loneliness even when we’re dating or in a relationship. It prevents others from getting to know us for who we truly are, making real connection impossible.
It also causes pain and heartache. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we’re doing the right thing by adapting to someone else, eventually the walls come tumbling down. We can only be someone we’re not for so long, and when the breaking point happens, we’re now emotionally invested in someone. It’s hard to walk away when you’ve invested your time, energy, and heart into someone else.
In contrast, when you’re willing to be vulnerable, you experience a sense of freedom. Freedom to take steps forward, knowing that even if they don’t go well, they still count as steps forward. Steps from which you can learn and grow. Maybe you ask the person out that you’ve been chatting with for two months, and they express that they want to chat for at least six months online before meeting in person. Make a quick note of thanks that you learned that now, rather than wasting four more months of your time.
There’s freedom in being honest with yourself about who you are, what you value, and what you want in a relationship. There is ease and peace in being able to stay grounded in who you are throughout the dating process, independent of what gets thrown your way. Someone thinks it’s dumb that you love to cook so much? Make a quick note of thanks that you found that out early, and you move on to someone who hates cooking and is incredibly grateful that you love it so much.
Being vulnerable also saves you time and angst. By being yourself from the start, you don’t spend months (or even years) of your time in a situation that feels like a ticking time bomb, as you wait to find out what someone is going to think of you when you show who you truly are. You actually get to worry about rejection LESS, knowing that the person you’re going out with is seeing you for exactly who you are. They’re making the choice to go out with you based on fact and honesty, not false pretenses.
Vulnerability also equals getting your heart broken. It leads to hurt, pain, and heartache. Yet there are lessons to learn in the heartbreak, if you allow yourself to experience those. You learn what is crucial to you in your connections and relationships. You learn what you DON’T want or need. You learn about the ways in which you might still need to grow in order to be in a healthy relationship. In one of my biggest heartbreaks, I learned how important it is to me to feel seen and heard in my relationships. It’s crucial, and without it, I can feel insanely alone, even with someone being physically present with me.
So how do you become more comfortable being vulnerable in online dating?
Honestly, you don’t. At least to begin with. If you wait until you feel comfortable, it won’t ever happen. Risk is inherent in vulnerability, and risk is at least a little bit scary for most of us. It’s not something that you just get over or stop feeling.
However, you can feel scared and still make the choice to be vulnerable. You can decide that you want a life filled with joy, meaning, connection, and love, and make the decision that you’re willing to take the scary steps necessary for that to happen.
To ease yourself into this, you can also look at taking small steps towards vulnerability in other areas of your life. Maybe you’ve always wanted to do martial arts but it felt too intimidating. Maybe now is the time to commit to taking one class to see how you actually feel about it. Or maybe you’ve never expressed to a friend how much they mean to you. Maybe you could send a card of gratitude or appreciation to them. There are limitless ways to practice vulnerability. You get to choose what that process looks like for you.
What does vulnerability actually look like in practice in dating?
In my case, it meant using Bumble and sending the first message to my current partner. He was vulnerable in asking me out first. We were both vulnerable in sharing that we each had baggage around past relationships. I was vulnerable in saying “I love you” first, particularly given that he wasn’t ready to say it yet at that point. We were both vulnerable in going to counseling to work on our individual stuff that was impacting our relationship. He was vulnerable in opening up to me about things he hadn’t ever opened up to past partners about.
Because of our vulnerability, we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. We’ve both experienced pain and heartache within the relationship, and we’ve unintentionally hurt one another. And yet we also continue to reiterate to one another how lucky and grateful we feel to have the type of relationships that we do. One that neither of us ever realized was truly possible. Our vulnerability has created a relationship filled with incredibly deep love, connection, authenticity, and trust.
The choice is ultimately yours, but I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t hoping for each one of you to choose the vulnerable path. You deserve to have the joy, love, and connection that you’re looking for in life. You ultimately have to be the one who gets in the car and starts driving, but I’m hoping that this gives you a bit more motivation and confidence to begin your journey.
*Don’t forget to grab my free Red Flags Checklist! You’ll learn everything you need to know to scan for red flags in your swiping, conversations, and dates.
