I’ve often suggested to women to be pickier when they find themselves on dates with not-so-great people again and again. And yet often the reply I get to this is, “I don’t want to be too picky.”

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, picky means “very careful or too careful about choosing or accepting things”.

And yes, it is possible to be too picky with online dating. If you’re swiping left because you don’t like the person’s shoes, then maybe we’re in the realm of being too picky.

But in my experience, most women aren’t picky enough. And even worse, the fear of being too picky seems to stem from a deeper core belief that they’re not good enough. That they have to settle. And if they’re picky, that means acknowledging to themselves that they deserve to go after what they want.

The fear of being picky also seems to stem from fears of being judgmental. For example, I’ve suggested to highly-educated women that they try to screen for highly-educated men. And yet the response I’ve gotten to this is, “Isn’t that being judgmental?”

Being judgmental would be saying that the person with less education is less than as a human being, or not worthy of love. That’s NOT what I’m saying. That’s not what anyone else should be saying. That person is just as worthy of love and connection as anyone else, independent of education.

What I’m saying is that it takes a lot to make a relationship work. If you’re a highly educated woman, then I’m going to make a safe assumption that you’re ambitious. That your career is important to you. That you value curiosity, learning, and growth. And that it’s likely important to you to be with someone who has similar values.

There’s nothing wrong with that. And it’s hard to make a long-term, romantic relationship work when values such as those don’t align.

First, when you’re not picky enough, you WILL have a lot of bad dates. When you don’t take into consideration the things that are truly important to you in a relationship, then it’s inevitable that your dates are going to be mediocre at best, terrible at worst.

Imagine that you’re agnostic and yet because you want to be non-judgmental, you keep dating guys for whom religion is a big part of their lives. Are you really going to be loving the experience when the person starts asking you whether you would be willing to go to church with them?

Or maybe you don’t love pets. You’re allergy prone. Poop weirds you out. And yet you keep dating dog owners because you don’t want to rule out someone who could be amazing otherwise. By the fifth date, you’re trying not to scream with rage when the person’s dog has jumped on you for the hundredth time.

If you’re not picky enough, you’re also going to have connections that likely erode over time. It might feel easy to be open and curious about someone’s differences in the very beginning of a relationship, but once the novelty wears off, the things that you’re not actually okay with are going to start rearing their head.

I dated someone once who loved sailing and dreamed of taking sailing trips on a regular basis. He seemed great, so I tried to be “open” about this and see it as a new adventure. Even though I hate the water. Even though I can’t even go in water without risking a UTI. Even though quality time is a love language of mine, and he was going to be gone for like a month at a time with no cell service.

It didn’t work out anyway, but in hindsight, this thing I was trying to be open about would have made me absolutely miserable.

If you’re not picky enough, you’re also not likely to stay authentic to yourself. Trying to be that open and accommodating is impossible without sacrificing pieces of yourself in some way. Instead of trying to find the round peg to go into the round hole, you’re trying to fit the square peg into the round hole by shaving pieces off of the peg. When you do this, it’s too easy to fall down a path of feeling like something is inherently wrong with you that you have to change, rather than finding people who already fit you as you are.

So what does it mean to be picky in a healthy way?

It means starting with yourself and asking yourself some hard questions:

• Who are you?

• What are the key aspects of your personality?

• What are your values?

• What do you want / need to be similar in a partner?

• What would you like / need to be different?

So many times we start with the other person and then try to decide whether we’re okay with who they are, rather than starting with ourselves first.

Once you have those starting points figured out, then actively look for the people who match you in the ways that you want and need.

To be honest, this isn’t being picky. It’s being intentional in your decision making and actively choosing people that you believe are going to be a good fit for you.

When you do this, you’re more likely to have GOOD dates. There’s comfort and security in knowing that you’re already on the same page with the person on the things that are most important to you. There’s excitement when the person reaffirms you and celebrates who you are as a person. There’s hope when you see that there are actually people out there who are a match for you.

It’s also more likely that you’re going to have connections that are sustainable over time. When the key pieces align with the people that you date, you feel like you’re growing together with the person over time, learning more about them in a way that feels exciting. And when issues and conflict arise, as they do in every relationship, you already have a steady foundation to work off of, versus feeling like you’re trying to put out fires in a house that’s already falling down.

Finally, you’re more likely to stay authentic to yourself. Instead of weighing out whether something is tolerable to you or not, you’ve already made those decisions. There’s a confidence and groundedness in being able to say, I know what I need to have a satisfying, loving, fulfilling relationship, and I’m not going to settle for less than that.

So all of that might sound great, but I’m sure there are still a few of you out there wondering if you’re one of those few people who is truly being too picky.

How can you tell if that’s you?

I would first look at what you’re being picky ABOUT. Is it a key value or personality trait of yours? Is it something that’s always been important to you in a relationship?

Or is it something that honestly has nothing to do with compatibility in a relationship? Here are some examples of things that might fall into the category of being too picky.

Saying no to someone because they:

• Like / don’t like a movie, TV show, book, movie, song, etc. that you hate / love.

• Wear an item of clothing that you don’t like (for you Love is Blind folks, wearing Hawaiian shirts is NOT a red flag).

• Have decor items in their home that you don’t like.

(*The big exceptions to all of these are if the book, movie, clothing, decor, etc. is demeaning towards a person or group of people, or if the person is disrespectful or judgmental toward you because of your interests.)

Second, ask yourself whether you’re ruling people out based on factual information, or interpretations. For example:

• Did you swipe left on someone because they listed “divorced” in their profile and you assumed that they were flawed in some way? (Interpretation)

• Or did you end a connection because when you went on a date with someone, they talked about their exes in mean and cruel ways? (Fact)

If you’re saying no to people based on interpretations, then try to be honest with yourself about how you’re making your decisions. If you are making judgments based on interpretations, try to look at what is actually factual. If there’s information that you still want or need to know about the person, then ask those questions in a kind and tactful way.

Finally, if you really are being too picky, try to do some self-reflection on why that is. Are you trying to protect yourself? Are you aiming for perfection so that you don’t get hurt?

If you need help with this, talk to a friend, family member, or therapist that you trust.

Honestly though, if you’re concerned that you’re being too picky, you’re probably not, so in that case, give yourself permission to make intentional decisions about what you truly want and need in a relationship, so that you can thrive as your authentic self.

*Don’t forget to grab my free checklist Red Flags Revealed! You’ll learn everything you need to know to screen for red flags with confidence and clarity.