A Values-Based Dating Profile: What Values Are and Why They're Important
Hi, I’m Amanda. Welcome to my blog, where I share online dating advice, tips, tricks, and strategies, all based on my professional training and personal experience.
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So you just hopped on to a new dating app for the very first time, and you’re staring down a completely blank online dating profile.
You immediately want to delete the app and crawl into bed, because you have no idea where to start, and it’s making you feel demoralized.
Although most of us are required to take trigonometry in school, we’re never taught how to talk about ourselves for the important things in our lives, like writing cover letters for job applications or sharing information about ourselves to potential life partners.
It’s a skill like anything else, and when we’ve never been taught the skill, we’re starting from scratch, which feels daunting and overwhelming.
Where do most of us start? Typically the things that feel the most obvious:
Job
Religion
Political beliefs
Whether you have / want kids
Whether you have / want pets
Hobbies / Interests
Movies / TV shows / Books
Beyond that though, it’s hard to decide what’s most important to write about and include in an online dating profile.
So where should you start?
The guiding compass for your online dating profile is your VALUES.
Values are beliefs and principles that guide the ways in which we live our lives. They tend to be fairly stable over time, whereas interests and hobbies can change and shift more easily.
Here are examples of some common values:
Religious or spiritual beliefs
Family
Animal welfare
Compassion and empathy for others
Learning, growth, and curiosity
Travel and new experiences
Authenticity
Ambition
Honesty and integrity
It’s important in a relationship that either your core values align, or that you respect one another’s core values, even if you don’t hold the same ones. When you don’t, relationships become much more challenging.
First, it’s easier to grow apart rather than together, as you’re more likely to end up on different islands working towards different goals. For example, let’s say that a strong value of yours is ambition, whereas a strong value of your partner’s is comfort. You could feel like you’re dragging your partner along on your journey as you work towards the goals that you set for yourself, as your partner feels exasperated and just wants to be able to enjoy life without having to work towards the next thing. It’s a recipe for feeling as if you’re constantly in a tug of war with the person who is supposed to be your teammate.
Contempt and criticism are more likely, especially when values are so closely tied to the person’s identity. For example, in today’s political climate, it would be an uphill battle for someone who identifies as liberal to be in a successful relationship with someone who identifies as conservative. It’s nearly impossible to separate the values from the person, and it’s hard to love and respect someone when you think poorly of their beliefs and values.
Values are also areas that are much harder to compromise on. The desire (or lack of desire) to have kids and raise a family is a prime example of this. The closest thing that you can get to a compromise in this area is having one child rather than multiple children. There’s no other inbetween. You either have children or you don’t, and if you want children when your partner doesn’t, one person is going to have to make a significant sacrifice in the relationship, which can lead to resentment down the road. And if you do want a family, it’s much harder to co-parent when you disagree on core values like compassion for others, integrity, and authenticity.
It’s therefore important to seek out people who share similar values to your own.
When you do, you’re much more likely to feel like you’re growing together through similar goals and experiences. If you both value new experiences, then you can work together as a team to brainstorm new things to do, and to challenge one another in the process. Or, if you both value comfort and contentment, then maybe you can work together to make your home a space that feels comfortable for both of you.
Sharing values, or at least respecting one another’s values, also makes it easier to cultivate a relationship of love, care, and respect for each other. It creates trust in the relationship when you know that someone has your back when it comes to the things that are most important to you in your life.
Lastly, it’s much easier to find compromises when you share core values. For example, if your partner doesn’t share similar religious beliefs or values, you might find yourself having heavy discussions about the role that religion is going to play in each of your lives. But if you share those same values, the compromises are going to be much smaller, like what time to go to a church service.
Now you might be thinking, but Amanda, aren’t differences in a relationship also important?
They absolutely are. But it’s best when the differences come from things that are less tied to values, like hobbies or interests. You could both hold the value of being ambitious, but your partner might have their ambition geared towards mastering a recipe, whereas your ambition might be geared towards training for a marathon. In this example, you might get the pleasure of trying a new meal, whereas your partner might be more inclined to exercise with you.
So how do you include these in your dating profile?
Honestly, the first step is getting clear on your values in the first place. Although most of us live by our values on a day-to-day basis, when asked what our values are, many of us would hesitate, pause, and stumble over our words, because it’s often not something that we actively think about on a regular basis.
So give some thought to this. If you’re struggling to figure out what your values are, pull up a list of common values on Google and circle the ones that resonate with you. You can also ask the people who know you well what they think your values are.
Once you’ve identified your values, you get to choose how you write about those in your profile. If you like to write, then be more verbose. You might say something like:
“I’m an animal lover and animal welfare is really important to me. I foster dogs regularly and also volunteer as a dog walker at the local animal shelter.”
Or, if you’re less of a talker (or you have an app with a word limit), you could write something like this:
“Animal lover. Dog mom and volunteer dog walker.”
By including your values in your profile, you make it much more likely that you will attract matches who have similar values, or who think highly of your values. What does this mean? Better matches, better dates, and a greater likelihood of finding your forever person.
*Don’t forget to grab my free checklist Red Flags Revealed! You’ll learn everything you need to know to screen for red flags with confidence and clarity.
